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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Snoo_61002 on 2023-07-01 02:02:36+00:00.

Sorry this requires some context, but I really need to know if I’m being unreasonable here.

My fiancee and I are planning our wedding. In my culture (Maori) we wear a cloak called a korowai (or a kakahu) on special occasions. These cloaks are *steeped* in meaning, right down to the colour. A green korowai can represent life (or someone who saves lives. I have a green cloak because I work in a paramedicine service as a Chaplain). As a culture we are inherently spiritual.

Our culture is very complicated to engage with. We are indigenous, and so my non-Maori friends find it to be a bit of a minefield. I do my best to support them because they have genuine hearts for our people. I don’t ever get offended when my friends are trying to navigate this journey, I understand the complexities of it.

When I told my groomsmen I’d be providing and blessing (a compulsory aspect of our culture when it comes to what we call “taonga” or treasures is they must be blessed) them with korowai to wear on the day they were all over the moon. You have to be gifted a korowai, and they wouldn’t have the opportunity. To me this was spiritually symbolic of their journey with me, and having my friends in our korowai on my wedding day is deeply important to me.

My partner is very passionate about my culture, but she is not Maori. When I told her I was letting them choose their own korowai that we’d pay for, she was initially fine with it. When we discussed it with one of the groomsmen she got upset when I said “And they’re choosing their own korowai, including colour, and matching their outfit with the korowai by wearing shades underneath”. She said it would look “shoddy and mis-matched in photos”. She said that the korowai all had to be the same colour, and that the suits had to be matching. I reinforced to her the importance of the colours of a korowai (for example if you *are* Maori you typically wear the colours of your tribe or that represent who you are) but she said I must choose a matching korowai for all of them, and they have to wear black suits underneath. Her concern was looking “rag tag” for the photos.

When my Maori best man heard this (he was not at the initial heated conversation) he very politely voiced his discomfort to me, and said he’d rather not wear our traditional cloaks if it was dictated to him what he was wearing (because it betrays his own relationship with our culture, and the people of our culture). This put me at an impasse. Not because I see it as her vs him (they get along really well) but because I respect his outlook on our culture, and the significance of this kind of thing in it.

We’re now at a stand off. She has said its absolutely not happening, I have said it absolutely is happening. I want to know if I’m being the AH for standing my ground on this, or whether I should just back down.