I’m 20F, he’s 25M. We met in January and have been dating since last month. He’s already met my parents - they love him, and he hangs out at our house all the time. Literally no one has any issues with him, he’s super welcome here. I invited him to sleep over for a few days this week just for fun, but he said he’s not comfortable with it - apparently it feels too “intimate” for him? Like, he’s got this thing about doing private stuff with other people around. I just want him to relax a bit. We’re all adults here, and everyone knows people have private lives. How can I help him feel more okay with it?
I would give him time, if I were you. After a month of dating, that’s still pretty early in a relationship. Sleeping on someone else’s house can be scary, so early on.
After all, you wouldn’t want to be forced into something you’re not ready for either.
I totally get your side too, it may seem weird but it’s his boundary to set. He has said no, and no still means no.
The best thing you can do is to keep the invitation open and talk about it with him. Find out what he thinks or fears is going to happen.
Maybe he had a bedtime ritual that he’s not yet willing to share yet.
Nobody wants to fuck in the next room over from mom and dad.
If you want him to feel comfortable then don’t make him be around your family just to see you.
I was a year older than my gf (decades ago) and she lived with her folks. It’s weird staying over with someone’s parents. Just accept it. It’s even weirder at 25, I’m sure.
move out of your parents place.
This is nostupidquestions, so I would expect somewhat serious answers. This does not seem like a serious answer.
It’s nostupidquestions not nostupidanswers.
Take sex off the table for the first few times of him staying over. he might be more comfortable if he knows theres no expectation of boinking.
Then when he’s more relaxed with the idea of staying over down the road you can reintroduce the idea. don’t pressure tho
Put sex on the floor. Less squeaky
You probably can’t. This is a boundary for him and a better approach to this might be to get a better understanding of where he’s coming from (if needed) and respect that boundary.
Nobody wants to get frisky with the parents in the next room. Grow up.
who said they had to get frisky?
Are you seriously asking that about a 20/24 yo couple getting into bed for the entire night? Were you ever that age?
If sex was off the table, I wouldn’t even go through with it. What’s the point? I’d just rather sleep alone, and avoid the entire night of blue balls.
Yikes! People must be falling over to sleep with a charmer like you.
How you doin’?
It’s perfectly reasonable to not want to sleep over at your parents’ house after only a month of dating. To be honest, it’s reasonable to not ever want to do that. It’s weird sleeping in someone else’s house period.
But especially after just a month of dating, your parents may as well be strangers to him. He likely doesn’t have any sense for any cultural differences between how he was raised and your family, like what behaviors are considered faux pas to your parents, etc.
To be honest I think you’re really getting ahead of yourself. Take your time with the relationship and build trust and the foundations of a great relationship. It always takes time and patience. You guys are still just starting to learn about each other.
I totally agree with this analysis. There are also so many factors that we don’t know about. The age difference alone could be awkward, he is drinking age, she is not. He might go for a night cap before bed, and be double so inclined being in a strange environment. But she might not be able to legally drink, yet he can, and maybe her parents are teetotalers… who knows?
Or maybe he usually sleeps with a CPAP, and didn’t want to bring it up early in the relationship.
Or it could not even be about night at all. Maybe he responds poorly to mornings. Or often has a flare up of IBS or something in mornings.
There could be all sorts of issues people may have… And I am mostly highlighting outliers not more common things like social anxiety.
You should really move out or stay at his place when you want to fuck. He doesn’t need to regress into your childhood.
This is going to be more common as people won’t be able to afford to move out.
Sure is.
Doesn’t change the issue.
Agree on this. But if the boyfriend already feels uncomfortable staying at her parents house for just a meal, sleeping and having a shit, then something more is going on with him.
People who downvote and don’t comment why they disagree are cowards in my book, btw.
Bad take
It’s normal to not want to hang out with your partners parents.
They’re not dating mommy and daddy, mommy and daddy shouldn’t be a part of your romantic relationships.
I didn’t downvote but I think the “something more is going on with him” has a nefarious tone and seems unwarranted for something as innocuous as not wanting to share a bed with a new partner inside her parents’ home.
No one said anything about sex?
I guess the “private stuff” they’d be doing with her parents home isn’t sex then.
Damn, my brain simply skipped over that my bad
Tax filing
It was heavily implied at the end that that’s part of the issue
I hate being at my inlaws’ for an extended period of time (hours). My spouse hates being at my parents’ in the same time period. You can both have totally normal, comfortable nights at your own parents’ place but find the experience entirely foreign and unsettling at the others’. The type of soap, the number of towels, the default amount of noise, the temperature, the forced formal interactions, the TV shows, the time of dinner, the existence of any activity other than your usual quiet night in, everything. Not wanting to be a disturbance in someone else’s place. Being under a foreign set of rules. Just everything.
Do you feel normal sleeping over an aunt/uncle’s place? A friend’s parents’ place? A hotel? A hostel?
I lived WITH my inlaws for a year. Still can’t stand it. Grateful for the financial relief at the time, but still uncomfortable enough to keep me driven to in debt myself with my own place ASAP.
You’ve been dating a month? I’d say what you can do to “help” him is date him for about 6 months and see how things stand then.
I am not sure why everyone here isn’t seeing the obvious. You’re 20 and live at home. He’s 25 and is a guy. You’ve been together for 4 weeks. 30 days.
Your parents don’t “love” him. They are just tolerant and probably happy he’s not an awful goober.
You are a love-struck 20 year old and may potentially not be picking up on cues or grasp the nuances of parenting and having an adult offspring in the house.
He’s a guy, 25, and has likely heard his share of mischaracterizations from parents, or possibly been in a situation where he got caught sleeping over as a teenager… Or any other number of things fresh in his head from also being young.
Neither of you have true license over this relationship while you’re not a fully autonomous person, paying your own rent and having your own place, sleeping over at your place is going to feel weird at 30 days or 3 years if you live with your parents.
Give the guy a break. It’s not a comfortable situation. It won’t change with another person if you two break up and try again with someone else.
Unless they come from a culture where living with your parents is absolutely normal which is surprisingly still very common.
In that case it wouldn’t be that common to have a “casual” boyfriend coming to sleep over after a month though
Oh man this ^
Perfect response
love-stuckLove-struck. As in being hit by something.
Typo: as in, I was slapping keys at 6:45am and couldn’t see.
Thanks or whatever.
They’re being helpful and assuming you may genuinely not know the word, and are giving you the correct version for the context.
Getting defensive isn’t necessary.
Explaining your typo is not being defensive.
The “I’m doing the thing you’re doing but throwing it back at you” and “thanks or whatever” definitely is.
Sometimes context will inform the reader whether or not the writer genuinely made a mistake or was ignorant or uninformed. I’m just being helpful here, so don’t get defensive.
It wasn’t meant in a negative way - I’ve just seen “Love Stuck” a couple times on lemmy and wanted to make sure you knew the correct version. You’re not the first I’ve seen call it that for whatever reason (typo or otherwise) so it was just kind of a general correction so others didn’t bone-apple-tea the phrase themselves.
Sorry, it wasn’t meant to throw shade or anything. Usually after I make a mistake like that I go back and edit my post to fix it.
No sweat. No offense taken.
no offense taken, but given. really, what was that, man?
This is probably the best response. Just chill and he’ll be fine.
I’d argue comfort could come after more time together in the right circumstances. Many couples choose to live with one sides parents to save money given the housing shortage many countries are facing. The catch is, this typically only works when both the parents and the couple are respectful of each others privacy and boundaries. This often equates to turning a basement into an apartment with sperate bathroom and kitchen/kitchenette.
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paying your own rent and having your own place
slightly off topic, but this is a contradiction. if you are paying rent, that is not your own place.
Can you just not.
It is in the ways that matter here. “Own” here refers to being independent from your parents specifically, not property ownership.
Ask your parents to sleep in the same bed as you two for the first few nights. It’ll calm everyone down and help build trusting relationship bonds. If you need a bigger bed, I recommend the California king or Sultan bed size.
Yes, I’ve seen this one before. You start with a nice safe game of “who’s in my mouth?” And then once everyone is warm, you work your way up to ranked competitive sex. Before you know it everyone is too tired to be embarrassed.
California king is smaller than a regular king actually! Alaska king is bigger though
It’s a California Kong, which is two California kings tied together with gorilla leather.
It has to be from an endangered gorilla.
For us tall people the California king is bigger in all the right places
Diddy king is best of all! Don’t forget to remind daddy to bring some hallucinogenic laced baby oil. This helps build rapport and loving bonds of familial love and respect!
It’s taller, but not as wide. An Alaska king is crazy. Way too much bed idk.
It sucks that what you both want isn’t compatible, but you don’t really have much of a choice but to respect his boundaries. A gentle nudge in the right direction as others have suggested probably wouldn’t hurt, but just make sure you check in with him about it and he knows you’re not nagging or trying to pressure him to do something he isn’t (yet) comfortable with.
Absolutely this. Patience and respecting boundaries.
You don’t. I feel for him. He just needs time and you have to understand some people need their privacy and there is no amount of time spent together that can change that. I’m one of those people. I’d be equally tense with a friend’s family or my in laws if I had them, no matter how much I like them, no matter how well we get along.
Edit: that being said, it’s possible he’ll loosen up as you say but there is also a chance the more pressure you put on him, the more you insist on welcoming him, will backfire.
Just take it easy.
I don’t know where the 4 weeks and 30 days comes from since now it is June and they met in January . The rest are all true.
It comes from OP: “We met in January and have been dating since last month.” (Emphasis mine.)
I see. Op is in LaLa land.
You replied to the wrong comment I believe
